So I wasn’t sure about posting this and I may delete this at a later date but I’ve come on such a huge journey – which still has a long way to go but I’m proud of my self so far and wanted to share with you.
I have depression and anxiety, which to be honest a lot of people seem to have these days although some people self diagnose and don’t seem to understand the dangers of these illnesses. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, having both together just feels like you’re constantly sinking in a never ending battle. Like you’re in a box and can see everything going on and you’re screaming at yourself in this box but no one can see you or hear you or do anything to help you and let me tell you now, it sucks, big time.
I’ve been battling on and off with it since I was 14, I just couldn’t keep up with life and then my cousin committed suicide and my grandad was given two months left to live and was dead two days later as well as having to deal with the usual teenage struggles and being bullied on top of that even though I was a fairly popular girl in school but never fit into a specific category. Then my first boyfriend appeared and he did a number on me, it still affects me and bless J – he’s amazing, my rock. It just built up and built up from everything, I won’t get into it because I’ll be here forever.
It got worse when I fell pregnant, the constant worries and being anxious of motherhood which is normal but it just seemed to be heightened and didn’t even seem to go away when R came along. I love him with all my heart but I was so afraid that I now had this tiny human to depend on me for EVERYTHING when I couldn’t even depend on myself.
My health visitor and midwives saw the signs and pushed me to go to doctors which I did eventually and was put on medication which I felt like a let down to myself and R because I couldn’t pick myself back up from this, it just made me feel so worthless and useless but I also got referred for CBT. I’ve seen counsellors before and not one of them worked, they just didn’t seem to fit with me and I gave up, over and over again. I was very sceptical about CBT thinking it was just another crap therapist that I’ll give up with in a few weeks, a huge waste of time but my Mum and J pushed me to go and give it a try anyway.
I learnt that it’s a different way of doing things. She taught me that everything we do, think or feel affects the way we think, feel and act and that I needed to try and change the process. Instead of thinking I was failure, I had to think that ok so that went wrong but that it was fine for things to go wrong, human. I was trying to be the ‘perfect’ mum, sister, fiancé, daughter, friend, everything without even realising it and putting so much pressure on myself and punishing myself with my thoughts and emotions when I wasn’t perfect.
Today marks the day of my final session, I have literally just got home from it. I’ve come so so far.
When I first started CBT in December, I was hardly leaving my house, couldn’t ever imagine speaking to strangers or going to big crowded places especially ones I wasn’t familiar with. I was scared to get in a car with R after my car crash the November I fell pregnant, always overthinking and panicking. Me and J was getting rocky and arguing over everything because I was so paranoid and anxious and he just didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand how he could cherish me and be the best fiancé he could try to be, treat me like a princess and I still feel worthless and unwanted. Of course every couple argues but these were just so stupid but so horrific.
Today, I actually feel like a whole new person. Don’t get me wrong, my journey/battle is very far from over and I still have my stupid down days where I feel like shit and don’t want to get out of bed. I’m still on medication but I’m building, slowly, I’m progressing. I drove to Oxford which is a 4 hour drive by myself, well with R for the first time ever, which I never would’ve even dreamed off when I couldn’t even drive round the corner with R in the car. We’ve been to play groups, shopping once a week and breakfast together which is a huge deal. I have a list of things that I want to do just me and R and slowly building up to them as they get bigger and more scary for me to do.
I wouldn’t even say it’s just down to CBT and this isn’t an advert for it at all because it only works for some people, where standard talking therapy is fab for others. I have an amazing support system within my family, especially my Mum who is a star. And J, I don’t think I’d be here today without him and I really don’t give him enough credit sometimes. He’s a gigantic pain in the arse but I’m so thankful for him. Then baby R, my little cheeky chops, who was the reason I pushed myself to get the help. Who is the reason I can still get up to face the day even on my worst of days.
I’m lucky, I have something to keep fighting for even if I didn’t realise it before. But I know now, I don’t need to give up because I’m doing amazing. I’m a great Mum, sister, daughter, fiancé, friend, anything I want to be and it’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to mess up, it’s ok for things to go wrong because it happens and nothing can ever be 100% perfect.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to about anything, my messages are always open. Please please reach out before it’s too late because I know, there will always be at least one person who you mean the world to💙